Listen up, Boys and Girls!
Hello Boys and Girls
When I retired twenty years ago, it was to write two books, The Unauthorized Autobiography of Dr. Science, and Healthy Health and How to Get It. Both books have been strong contenders for the prestigious Library of Congress “Best Book Ever Written” award. Recently, the Trump administration has proposed appointing me Secretary of the Department of Science Applied as a Thin Veneer Covering Religious Beliefs and Providing the Flimsiest Hint of Rationality. We’re still working on shortening the title of that department. Of course I accepted their offer, and soon plan to go on a sort of permanent vacation, flying first-class from exotic destination to far-flung resort. After a few months I will accept their offer of a golden parachute and resign.
———- from Bob Campagna of Mt. Vernon, IA
You could check the world wide web, but I imagine you’d have a hard time separating the wheat from the chaff. After wading through every high school kid’s home page mention of the ocean, as well as every link to the laundry detergent ‘Tide’, you’d still end up with something you couldn’t rely on. No, if I were you, I’d check the Farmer’s Almanac, or maybe the Magic 8 Ball. You could ask yourself a question before you fall asleep at night, and see if you get a portentous dream. Any way would be more reliable than the Web.
Does the same force that attracts tornadoes to trailer parks cause journalists at UFO sightings to gravitate towards people wearing Star Trek uniforms?
———- from Stephanie Beaver of Vandalia, Ohio
No, they’re two different mechanisms entirely. Typical trailer parks contain deadbeat dads who have fallen behind in their child support, hence the punishing tornado. People in Star Trek uniforms, on the other hand, have committed no obvious social offense – they are simply too weird to live. Like a grisly traffic accident, they attract the attention of journalists, always hungry for something to dish up as the latest news. In a way, being attacked by journalists can be a worse fate than having your double wide sucked up in a funnel cloud.
———- from Len Nosal of White Lake, MI
Find Microsoft Explorer and click on it with the right mouse button. Scroll down to ‘Properties.’ If it lists any one of the following, ‘Omnipotent’, ‘Omniscient’, ‘Generous to a Fault’ or ‘Sensitive Yet Stern’ then it’s either describing God or Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch in the movie ‘To Kill a Mocking Bird.’ If you’re working on an Macintosh, then you can probably find a Divine extension somewhere, maybe as shareware. Check with your users group.
Could it be theorized that the reason fusion occurs on the sun is that the core consists of a sphere of helium contained in a sphere of hydrogen and since fusion is superheating the helium, it expands against the hydrogen, forming the actual surface area where fusion occurs?
———- from Bob Moore of Silver Lake, CA